While trying to come to terms with the wild emotions coursing through my veins this week -- I in fact may be able to call this the hardest week of my life -- I read my old blog (http://thelonelypeople.livejournal.com) and thought this post was worth reposting.
September 20, 2006
I Wax and Wane
I've been having the wildest stream of thoughts and feelings lately. I feel like I'm outwardly observing the interaction between my self and my environment. I'm realizing that while both affect eachother, they are completely independent from one another in fundamental ways. This realization has given me the freedom to accept myself as an unconventional being that will not be forced to fit nicely into anything. There are things I like fitting nicely into: compact cars, a pint of Guinness, someone's arms. Sometimes I don't like fitting, though, and I think I'm ok with that. Sometimes I'm not cozy, not comfortable, and it just adds perspective. Sometimes I cry out of fear or frustration, but at other times I throw my arms back and thank God for giving me a most complicated brain.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
What a weekend..
Wow, I haven't had a weekend so jam-packed with so many emotions in quite some time.
The good ones:
1) Sees trip: My wonderful big sister (Sees) and I went on a special trip to Orlando to see a stage production of one of our favorite musical scores, The Last Five Years. Only two actors in it; the girl was great, the boy let us down. But we had fun singing along and criticizing the poor guy :p We also went to Ikea on Saturday morning, which is ALWAYS good.
2) Brother's birthday: My brother-in-law came home on his birthday yesterday after a week in California visiting friends. He, Sees, and I went out for sushi to celebrate. They gave me comfort that I very much needed.
3) Tampa Bay Rays: The Rays won the AL pennant and are headed to the World Series. While I would have been more excited had my circumstances not so drastically changed this weekend, I am happy nonetheless.
4) School: I got several grades for major projects and all were better than even hoped for. I am working so hard and it is so incredibly rewarding to see it recognized.
5) Love: I have had the biggest outpouring of love over the last 2 days, much of it from unexpected sources. I stand in amazement at it.
The not-so-good ones:
Ok one. Jacob has been mulling over some major decisions in his life. He is an officer in the Air Force but he hates his job because he doesn't feel like he's contributing, doing what he signed up to do, because he sits behind a desk performing menial tasks. He wants to do more. His choices were to get out in a year and open his own business or stay in the military and pursue a new path. He has chosen the latter, and is taking possibly one of the most difficult paths. This path will have him in seriously intense training, out of state and maybe country, for the next 18 months or longer. He can't attempt to succeed at that and our relationship without feeling he's failed at both, and I have to admit that it's understandable. So he made a choice. And maybe it was the right one or maybe it was the wrong one, but it is what he feels in his heart he must do and I feel I must support him. I feel proud of him.
I don't think either of us expected to feel the way we did after four months together. But it was so truly genuine, and it bloomed. I was soaring. Every moment I spent with him was treasured, and I carried each of those moments tucked close to me when we were apart. It seemed we wanted the same things, and we both realized we had a lifetime to achieve those things. And how he made me laugh. Quite a big deal, and something I have never had.
So it's gone. I watched him walk away. And he left me empty in so many ways. But I am familiar with the cliche that I will be ok. And I truly know it and believe it. But I desperately wish I could go to that future place right now, to see myself happy and full of laughter and love again, and to not regret a single moment spent with him.
To those closest to me and even those who I've only known a short time: I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the comfort and love that I have felt surrounding me. You inspire me to turn around and move forward and share such love with the world 1000 times over. I pray that I never forget that feeling, and never take any of you for granted. Thank you.
The good ones:
1) Sees trip: My wonderful big sister (Sees) and I went on a special trip to Orlando to see a stage production of one of our favorite musical scores, The Last Five Years. Only two actors in it; the girl was great, the boy let us down. But we had fun singing along and criticizing the poor guy :p We also went to Ikea on Saturday morning, which is ALWAYS good.
2) Brother's birthday: My brother-in-law came home on his birthday yesterday after a week in California visiting friends. He, Sees, and I went out for sushi to celebrate. They gave me comfort that I very much needed.
3) Tampa Bay Rays: The Rays won the AL pennant and are headed to the World Series. While I would have been more excited had my circumstances not so drastically changed this weekend, I am happy nonetheless.
4) School: I got several grades for major projects and all were better than even hoped for. I am working so hard and it is so incredibly rewarding to see it recognized.
5) Love: I have had the biggest outpouring of love over the last 2 days, much of it from unexpected sources. I stand in amazement at it.
The not-so-good ones:
Ok one. Jacob has been mulling over some major decisions in his life. He is an officer in the Air Force but he hates his job because he doesn't feel like he's contributing, doing what he signed up to do, because he sits behind a desk performing menial tasks. He wants to do more. His choices were to get out in a year and open his own business or stay in the military and pursue a new path. He has chosen the latter, and is taking possibly one of the most difficult paths. This path will have him in seriously intense training, out of state and maybe country, for the next 18 months or longer. He can't attempt to succeed at that and our relationship without feeling he's failed at both, and I have to admit that it's understandable. So he made a choice. And maybe it was the right one or maybe it was the wrong one, but it is what he feels in his heart he must do and I feel I must support him. I feel proud of him.
I don't think either of us expected to feel the way we did after four months together. But it was so truly genuine, and it bloomed. I was soaring. Every moment I spent with him was treasured, and I carried each of those moments tucked close to me when we were apart. It seemed we wanted the same things, and we both realized we had a lifetime to achieve those things. And how he made me laugh. Quite a big deal, and something I have never had.
So it's gone. I watched him walk away. And he left me empty in so many ways. But I am familiar with the cliche that I will be ok. And I truly know it and believe it. But I desperately wish I could go to that future place right now, to see myself happy and full of laughter and love again, and to not regret a single moment spent with him.
To those closest to me and even those who I've only known a short time: I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the comfort and love that I have felt surrounding me. You inspire me to turn around and move forward and share such love with the world 1000 times over. I pray that I never forget that feeling, and never take any of you for granted. Thank you.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thank You
I just have to write down the fact that despite being physically exhausted and overwhelmed with all that's going on, I am happier now, at this point in my life, than I can remember being in a very long time, if ever. It's not attributed to just one thing, but I could confidently make a "Top 5" list. I'll save that for another time :)
"As long as one keeps searching, the answers come." ~Joan Baez
"Love life, engage in it, give it all you've got. Love it with a passion, because life truly does give back, many times over, what you put into it." ~Maya Angelou
"Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers." ~Rainer Maria Rilke
"When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy." ~Rumi
"As long as one keeps searching, the answers come." ~Joan Baez
"Love life, engage in it, give it all you've got. Love it with a passion, because life truly does give back, many times over, what you put into it." ~Maya Angelou
"Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers." ~Rainer Maria Rilke
"When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy." ~Rumi
Monday, September 29, 2008
Miss Pancake!
Things have been going great! I am finally connecting with my little fifth graders. I don't think I mentioned this yet, but my class is all girls! This particular school separates the boys and girls in fifth grade only. So I have a room full of giggly pre-adolescent girls and it's super fun :)
The first week was a little awkward because the teacher let me introduce myself to the class but didn't really allow me to have any interaction with them after that. Then I was supposed to teach them a lesson to be videotaped the next week! So the day of the lesson arrived and I was so nervous because I barely knew anything about the girls and I was really pining for my little kindergartners at that point.
LUCKILY (at least in retrospect), the teacher had a PTA meeting in the middle of the day (weird huh??) and so I was responsible for picking the class up from PE and bringing them back to the classroom and keeping them occupied while she was gone. She ended up being gone for an hour and a half!
Those girls were so excited to see me arrive by myself at the end of PE! I think they were dying to find out what my deal was. I took them back to the class and told them what was going on. I told them that if they say quietly I would let them ask me anything they wanted to.
Before they started asking, one of the girls said "You're going to be an awesome teacher." And a couple of the other girls agreed. Remember, this was really my first instance interacting with them! I laughed and said "How do you know that??" And another girl replied "Because you're being awesome right now."
It was a great moment. This why I'm doing all of this.
Then they asked me a full range of questions: When's your birthday, are you married, why did you decide to become a teacher (I almost cried when I tried explaining it :p), etc. After that, I took them outside to run around a bit. During this time, a bunch of them huddled around me and we chatted some more. One of them decided that she would like to call me Miss Pancake instead of Miss Cook and it has sort of stuck for the whole class ever since. They're so great :)
Thanks to this opportunity to get to know the girls and develop some mutual admiration and respect, my lesson went extremely well. One down, two to go and I'm home free!
I also took the K-6 Subject Area Examination -- a 5-hour test that is the ultimate determiner of whether I can be certified or not -- on Saturday morning and PASSED!!! What a perfect end to a not-so-great week.
The first week was a little awkward because the teacher let me introduce myself to the class but didn't really allow me to have any interaction with them after that. Then I was supposed to teach them a lesson to be videotaped the next week! So the day of the lesson arrived and I was so nervous because I barely knew anything about the girls and I was really pining for my little kindergartners at that point.
LUCKILY (at least in retrospect), the teacher had a PTA meeting in the middle of the day (weird huh??) and so I was responsible for picking the class up from PE and bringing them back to the classroom and keeping them occupied while she was gone. She ended up being gone for an hour and a half!
Those girls were so excited to see me arrive by myself at the end of PE! I think they were dying to find out what my deal was. I took them back to the class and told them what was going on. I told them that if they say quietly I would let them ask me anything they wanted to.
Before they started asking, one of the girls said "You're going to be an awesome teacher." And a couple of the other girls agreed. Remember, this was really my first instance interacting with them! I laughed and said "How do you know that??" And another girl replied "Because you're being awesome right now."
It was a great moment. This why I'm doing all of this.
Then they asked me a full range of questions: When's your birthday, are you married, why did you decide to become a teacher (I almost cried when I tried explaining it :p), etc. After that, I took them outside to run around a bit. During this time, a bunch of them huddled around me and we chatted some more. One of them decided that she would like to call me Miss Pancake instead of Miss Cook and it has sort of stuck for the whole class ever since. They're so great :)
Thanks to this opportunity to get to know the girls and develop some mutual admiration and respect, my lesson went extremely well. One down, two to go and I'm home free!
I also took the K-6 Subject Area Examination -- a 5-hour test that is the ultimate determiner of whether I can be certified or not -- on Saturday morning and PASSED!!! What a perfect end to a not-so-great week.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Back!
My weekend in Atlanta was awesome! I haven't really been to Atlanta since I went with high school choir in 1998. It is so huge, and way more urban and diverse than I imagined. We had a great time visiting Jacob's friends, who were so precious. I loved having the opportunity to meet some of the people from his hometown that he talks about all the time. It was a shame we could only stay for 2 days. There should be pictures eventually.
I am back in the swing of things at home now. All is still well with school -- as far as I can tell I am still very much on top of it. I will meet with my classroom teacher on Wednesday afternoon, I can't wait. We've been emailing and she seems very sweet. I take my most major exam for my certification on Saturday th 27th. It's a 5-hour test. I'm usually pretty good at standardized tests but this one has me worried, less because of the content and more because of the significance it holds to my future. The good thing is that you can take it as many times as you need to but you have to have 31 days between test times. And it only costs $25 :)
The next really exciting thing I have going on is going camping with Jacob on October 11th. I reserved a beach camp site at Fort DeSoto, which has twice been voted America's best beach. It's really cheap to rent the site but you have to reserve months in advance. Some of the best sites are already books through April of 2009! No dogs allowed unfortunately but I always appreciate alone time with the boy.
I am back in the swing of things at home now. All is still well with school -- as far as I can tell I am still very much on top of it. I will meet with my classroom teacher on Wednesday afternoon, I can't wait. We've been emailing and she seems very sweet. I take my most major exam for my certification on Saturday th 27th. It's a 5-hour test. I'm usually pretty good at standardized tests but this one has me worried, less because of the content and more because of the significance it holds to my future. The good thing is that you can take it as many times as you need to but you have to have 31 days between test times. And it only costs $25 :)
The next really exciting thing I have going on is going camping with Jacob on October 11th. I reserved a beach camp site at Fort DeSoto, which has twice been voted America's best beach. It's really cheap to rent the site but you have to reserve months in advance. Some of the best sites are already books through April of 2009! No dogs allowed unfortunately but I always appreciate alone time with the boy.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I got my classroom assignment and it looks like I'll be with fifth graders this time around! Talk about going the whole spectrum -- from kindergartners to fifth graders, with a brief period of summer reading camp with the second graders. Even though I'm slightly scared of kids this old (as cliche as it is, they're not the same as they used to be! My mom, when hearing the news, exclaimed "You and your sister were so precious at that age!" Oh, to be so naive :)), I am really looking forward to the challenge. I am only praying that my classroom teacher is incredible, because it will make all the difference. I am there to learn after all!
I am heading to Atlanta with Jacob this weekend to visit some friends of his from his hometown who just got married. It's a very spontaneous trip and I'm excited for the adventure! We're leaving Friday at 2 in the afternoon. I'll have to actually take pictures of this trip and post them -- yes, something I constantly neglect to do!
I am heading to Atlanta with Jacob this weekend to visit some friends of his from his hometown who just got married. It's a very spontaneous trip and I'm excited for the adventure! We're leaving Friday at 2 in the afternoon. I'll have to actually take pictures of this trip and post them -- yes, something I constantly neglect to do!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
