Monday, October 20, 2008

What a weekend..

Wow, I haven't had a weekend so jam-packed with so many emotions in quite some time.

The good ones:
1) Sees trip: My wonderful big sister (Sees) and I went on a special trip to Orlando to see a stage production of one of our favorite musical scores, The Last Five Years. Only two actors in it; the girl was great, the boy let us down. But we had fun singing along and criticizing the poor guy :p We also went to Ikea on Saturday morning, which is ALWAYS good.

2) Brother's birthday: My brother-in-law came home on his birthday yesterday after a week in California visiting friends. He, Sees, and I went out for sushi to celebrate. They gave me comfort that I very much needed.

3) Tampa Bay Rays: The Rays won the AL pennant and are headed to the World Series. While I would have been more excited had my circumstances not so drastically changed this weekend, I am happy nonetheless.

4) School: I got several grades for major projects and all were better than even hoped for. I am working so hard and it is so incredibly rewarding to see it recognized.

5) Love: I have had the biggest outpouring of love over the last 2 days, much of it from unexpected sources. I stand in amazement at it.

The not-so-good ones:

Ok one. Jacob has been mulling over some major decisions in his life. He is an officer in the Air Force but he hates his job because he doesn't feel like he's contributing, doing what he signed up to do, because he sits behind a desk performing menial tasks. He wants to do more. His choices were to get out in a year and open his own business or stay in the military and pursue a new path. He has chosen the latter, and is taking possibly one of the most difficult paths. This path will have him in seriously intense training, out of state and maybe country, for the next 18 months or longer. He can't attempt to succeed at that and our relationship without feeling he's failed at both, and I have to admit that it's understandable. So he made a choice. And maybe it was the right one or maybe it was the wrong one, but it is what he feels in his heart he must do and I feel I must support him. I feel proud of him.

I don't think either of us expected to feel the way we did after four months together. But it was so truly genuine, and it bloomed. I was soaring. Every moment I spent with him was treasured, and I carried each of those moments tucked close to me when we were apart. It seemed we wanted the same things, and we both realized we had a lifetime to achieve those things. And how he made me laugh. Quite a big deal, and something I have never had.

So it's gone. I watched him walk away. And he left me empty in so many ways. But I am familiar with the cliche that I will be ok. And I truly know it and believe it. But I desperately wish I could go to that future place right now, to see myself happy and full of laughter and love again, and to not regret a single moment spent with him.

To those closest to me and even those who I've only known a short time: I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the comfort and love that I have felt surrounding me. You inspire me to turn around and move forward and share such love with the world 1000 times over. I pray that I never forget that feeling, and never take any of you for granted. Thank you.


Lisa said...

I'm glad to see that you know you are loved by those of us around you. These things are never easy and you know that I am here for you whenever you need me - to vent, to scream, to cry, to laugh, to forget, to remember and to do whatever you feel you need at that moment.

I'm so fascinated by this blogging stuff. Yes I know what it is and that it exists but beyond myspace I have never read one. Now I want to follow it as closely as I follow my favorite soap opera. "I wonder what Jamie will write about next?" as if I don't have the luxury to call you and swing by for a visit to find out. This adds to the fun and joy of having such a wonderful person in my life whom I may call my friend. I love you, take it with you and use it any time you'd like.

Ashley/Sees said...

J = just awesome
A = a real stand-up kinda gal
M = my favorite sees
I = i love her very, very much
E = ecstatic to know her

P = perfection personified!

C = coolest chick around
O = ooh! ooh! can I be Jamie Cook's sister? hell no - she's mine!
O = only the best sees in the world!!
K = kaaaaaa-razeeeee! but we love her anyway!

P.S. Love you, Sees.