It's been a very very hard week on me: physically, mentally, and perhaps most of all emotionally. If felt like so many forces were working against me and I was desperately clinging to the concept of "an end in sight". Well, hopefully today is the beginning of the end, and I mean that in the best way possible.
I had my third and final observed lesson this morning at 9. I felt totally unprepared not because I hadn't worked hard on my lesson and practiced it, but because I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't fully concentrate on it at any time. During the lesson, the kids were not as well-behaved as they had promised to be. In the same breath, they were no worse-behaved than they are at most times. It's just that combination of struggling to maintain class control while being WATCHED by someone who is totally judging you.
In my mind, I was failing at a level I hadn't failed at all semester -- I felt this so strongly that at the end of the lesson, my classroom teacher came up to me and I started crying! She was so sweet, asking me why I was crying because I did a fantastic job. I told her I didn't want my supervisor to see me crying and so she let me duck inside her office for a moment. When I finally spoke with my supervisor, red-eyed with my tail tucked, I was in for the shock of my life.
After explaining that my tears weren't so much about the lesson as the build-up of crap (I'm sure I used a more "teacher-appropriate" phrase), she said she understood and then started off with something a little scary: "Jamie, you have really put me in quite the dilemma...." OH MY GOSH she needs to fail me but doesn't want to see me jump off a bridge? WHAT'S THE DILEMMA?!
She said "We really are told not to give 5's and I will just have to have a meeting with the program leaders to explain why I've given you almost all 5's." !!!!!!!!!!! I really couldn't make this stuff up if i tried!! I don't know what is wrong with this woman, but she is very insistent that I am perhaps the best intern EVER. She also had a discussion with my classroom teacher, who was concerned because she is also not to give 5's (she also has to assess me once at the end of the semester) but she doesn't know what else to give me. The supervisor told her not to worry about it and to go ahead and do it. Wow.
You guys don't understand what this means to me. I love teaching more than anything I've ever done in my life. I never knew it would be this amazing... so rewarding and, really, I've learned more from those little people than I could ever teach them. I cannot even believe that some people get PAID for this.
On the other hand, you can enjoy doing it and still not be good at it (prime example: my dancing). So to hear these women say these things about me -- even put themselves on the line for me when it comes to "overscoring" me: this cancels out EVERYTHING that has happened this week, including:
My awful professor saying something hurtful about me to my entire class.
Fish crunching down a lizard and then throwing it up in my kitchen.
Finding a stray dog only to have it jump my fence and run away before someone could come to help it.
Having my my work computer crash and not getting a new one till next week, leaving me useless at work but having to go nonetheless.
Having the DC event get cancelled which also cancels my free trip to visit my friends in Baltimore.
My boss being upset about the DC event being cancelled and taking it out on me.
Ava waking me up at 5am to tell me she peed all over the living room.
Cleaning up pee at 5am.
Having someone at work completely betray my trust.
Getting stuck in traffic and arriving late to class (I HATE doing this.)
Cleaning up Fish's poop stains from where he slid his butt along the floor.