Things I'm Grateful for (even though I'm sick) Today

My oh-so-green back door.

Fall weather so beautiful that the door stays open.

All day long.

Puppies sunning themselves in a DIY sandbox.

REAL honest-to-goodness oatmeal.

To warm my throat, belly, and heart.

"Ava update" and "Why I teach"

1) I took Ava to the vet yesterday afternoon because her eye was bleeding! I took Fish with us because he needed his yearly stuff anyway. My vet is my favorite in the world (after Abby Huggins, who is the vet dreams are made of, but abandoned us in Baltimore to move to Atlanta and I almost followed her there). ANYWAY, he said it looks like the eye is healing and the blood is just a new blood vessel trying to form. So she isn't blind, she is going to be fine, and the only BAD news is that a) I have to put antibiotic ointment ON HER EYE three times a day (I have major issues with touching eyes, etc.), and b) Fish gained a pound while on his diet/exercise regime. The vet said I should throw in the towel and just let him live a fat but happy life.

2) I walked into the classroom this morning to a wall of hugs and "Hi Miss Pancake"'s. The a little girl, Emily, said to me, "I'm going to call you Miss Sunshine because you're always happy." I thought, wow, if I come across as always happy, especially in the last 3 weeks, this must be absolutely the right place for me. Being with them is certainly the highlight of my week, and I'm glad it shows and that I have sweet little people to remind me of it.

"Time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course, but whereas the fish is at home in the water, we are clearly not at home in time--because we belong to eternity. Time, as much as any one thing, whispers to us that we are strangers here." ~ Neil A. Maxwell

Fare thee well.

Yesterday was a sad day. So I cleaned my entire house and yard while the roomie and her stinky pug are out of town. Totally therapeutic for me. I was listening to ITunes on shuffle, and as I was about to step in the shower I heard the faint traces of a favorite song in the background. It was amazing because I have loved this song since I first heard it eight years ago. The lyrics were so beautiful, but I never understood them. I tried to, even journaled about it, but could never quite get there. As I showered, the lyrics came flooding back to me in their entirety. I sang them, and it was so perfectly sad, or sadly perfect, how clearly I understand now. Like it was written for me, for now. And then I cried. Wept, in fact.

Fare Thee Well
Indigo Girls

Fare thee well my bright star
I watched your tail lights blaze into nothingness
But you were long gone before I ever got to you
Before you blazed past this address
And now I think of having loved and having lost
You'll never know what it's like to never love
And who can say what's better and my heart's become the cost
A mere token of a brighter jewel sent from above.

Fare thee well my bright star
The vanity of youth, the color of your eyes
And maybe if I'd fanned the blazing fire of your day-to-day
Or if I'd been older, I'd been wise
Too thick the heat of those long summer evenings
For a cool evening I began to yearn
But you could only feed upon the things which feed a fire
Waiting to see if I would burn.

Fare thee well my bright star
It was a brief, brilliant miracle dive
And that which I looked up to and I clung to for dear life
Had to burn itself up just to make itself alive
And I caught you then in your moment of glory
Your last dramatic scene against a night sky stage
With a memory so clear that it's as if you're still before me
My once in a lifetime star of an age.

Fare thee well my bright star
Last night the tongues of fire circled me around
And this strange season of pain will come to pass
When the healing hands of autumn cool me down.

Poor Baby Ava

I am sad to admit that this is the second post with this title. The poor thing is always in some sort of trouble that isn't really her fault! Last time, she had her leg torn open by a giant thorn while playing in her yard. This time, my roommate's dog is to blame. I didn't see it happen, but both my roomie and I are pretty sure Lilo did it because a) she is entirely too hyper and rough when playing with my much larger but socially acceptable dogs; and b) now, whenever Ava sees Lilo, her eyes flinch. I'm not even kidding.

In case my roommate reads this, my disclaimer is that I love the roomie very much! She is wonderful! But I may have referred to her dog as "Satan's Spawn In Pug Form" in a couple of emails. Oops!

SSIPF:


So basically, the pug scratched Ava's eye (with what? A tooth? A nail? No idea). She could hardly open it last night and it looked so gross when pried open -- super red, swollen, cloudy. This morning it was crusted shut and she wouldn't even leave my bed for her morning romp with the pups. But by the time I left, she was at least opening it again, so I think it will be fine without me rushing to the vet. There is one noticeable thing: where the cloudiness was, there is now a pronounced hole/dent in her eye. She can still see out of it, though, I'm pretty sure.

Sympathy Photos
Last night

This morning

Other photos for photos' sake
My beautiful ladies, Gabby and Ava

Ava being embarrassed by her nasty-eye (she put her head like this in 6 pictures in a row)
The boys -- note that the 7 month old Angus kitten (now named Kuzco) is catching up in size to Fat Fish.

My 3 bundles of fur/joy

Retrospection

While trying to come to terms with the wild emotions coursing through my veins this week -- I in fact may be able to call this the hardest week of my life -- I read my old blog (http://thelonelypeople.livejournal.com) and thought this post was worth reposting.

September 20, 2006

I Wax and Wane

I've been having the wildest stream of thoughts and feelings lately. I feel like I'm outwardly observing the interaction between my self and my environment. I'm realizing that while both affect eachother, they are completely independent from one another in fundamental ways. This realization has given me the freedom to accept myself as an unconventional being that will not be forced to fit nicely into anything. There are things I like fitting nicely into: compact cars, a pint of Guinness, someone's arms. Sometimes I don't like fitting, though, and I think I'm ok with that. Sometimes I'm not cozy, not comfortable, and it just adds perspective. Sometimes I cry out of fear or frustration, but at other times I throw my arms back and thank God for giving me a most complicated brain.

What a weekend..

Wow, I haven't had a weekend so jam-packed with so many emotions in quite some time.

The good ones:
1) Sees trip: My wonderful big sister (Sees) and I went on a special trip to Orlando to see a stage production of one of our favorite musical scores, The Last Five Years. Only two actors in it; the girl was great, the boy let us down. But we had fun singing along and criticizing the poor guy :p We also went to Ikea on Saturday morning, which is ALWAYS good.

2) Brother's birthday: My brother-in-law came home on his birthday yesterday after a week in California visiting friends. He, Sees, and I went out for sushi to celebrate. They gave me comfort that I very much needed.

3) Tampa Bay Rays: The Rays won the AL pennant and are headed to the World Series. While I would have been more excited had my circumstances not so drastically changed this weekend, I am happy nonetheless.

4) School: I got several grades for major projects and all were better than even hoped for. I am working so hard and it is so incredibly rewarding to see it recognized.

5) Love: I have had the biggest outpouring of love over the last 2 days, much of it from unexpected sources. I stand in amazement at it.


The not-so-good ones:

Ok one. Jacob has been mulling over some major decisions in his life. He is an officer in the Air Force but he hates his job because he doesn't feel like he's contributing, doing what he signed up to do, because he sits behind a desk performing menial tasks. He wants to do more. His choices were to get out in a year and open his own business or stay in the military and pursue a new path. He has chosen the latter, and is taking possibly one of the most difficult paths. This path will have him in seriously intense training, out of state and maybe country, for the next 18 months or longer. He can't attempt to succeed at that and our relationship without feeling he's failed at both, and I have to admit that it's understandable. So he made a choice. And maybe it was the right one or maybe it was the wrong one, but it is what he feels in his heart he must do and I feel I must support him. I feel proud of him.

I don't think either of us expected to feel the way we did after four months together. But it was so truly genuine, and it bloomed. I was soaring. Every moment I spent with him was treasured, and I carried each of those moments tucked close to me when we were apart. It seemed we wanted the same things, and we both realized we had a lifetime to achieve those things. And how he made me laugh. Quite a big deal, and something I have never had.

So it's gone. I watched him walk away. And he left me empty in so many ways. But I am familiar with the cliche that I will be ok. And I truly know it and believe it. But I desperately wish I could go to that future place right now, to see myself happy and full of laughter and love again, and to not regret a single moment spent with him.

To those closest to me and even those who I've only known a short time: I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the comfort and love that I have felt surrounding me. You inspire me to turn around and move forward and share such love with the world 1000 times over. I pray that I never forget that feeling, and never take any of you for granted. Thank you.

Thank You

I just have to write down the fact that despite being physically exhausted and overwhelmed with all that's going on, I am happier now, at this point in my life, than I can remember being in a very long time, if ever. It's not attributed to just one thing, but I could confidently make a "Top 5" list. I'll save that for another time :)

"As long as one keeps searching, the answers come." ~Joan Baez

"Love life, engage in it, give it all you've got. Love it with a passion, because life truly does give back, many times over, what you put into it." ~Maya Angelou

"Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers." ~Rainer Maria Rilke

"When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy." ~Rumi